My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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