Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
