Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
