i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
