My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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