if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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