My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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