somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
