how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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