I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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