I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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