just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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