I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
