Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
