I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
