Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
