went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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