What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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