I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
