Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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