Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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