Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
