batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
