He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
