i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
All the doctor said was why
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
