Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
