Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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