also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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