Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
