You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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