just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
