Me too!
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
