I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
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