so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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