You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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