I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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