I like my sex mixed with concussions.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
