Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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