Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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