new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
