I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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