I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
