you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
