I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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