If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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