last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
