Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
