can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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