i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
