talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
