The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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