Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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