my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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