I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
