Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
My hand turned me down
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
