I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
