So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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